I remember the day so clearly.....

Although it seems pretty much like I've been a mom my entire life, that isn't the case.  Thing 1 didn't enter my world until 2003.  In fact, yesterday marked the nine year anniversary of the phone call that changed my world.  I remember being active on a yahoo group that tried hard to track when referrals had been released from China.  It was sketchy, but was all I had at the time.  When Thing 2 came into being, the whole system was different, but for Thing 1, it was a huge guessing game.  Her referral call was supposed to come in December and it didn't.  I distinctly remember the sadness that overcame that Christmas because I so wanted to be a mom by Christmas (not physically, just with the promise of travel to get my baby soon).  So, when referrals were supposedly out of China and arriving at some agencies in the US, I began to get the whole nervous stomach.

I was teaching that day and was sure I would be getting called from my social worker while at work.  I had no cell phone then so I was at the mercy of the school secretaries to connect me.  I do believe I checked in with them every half hour via email!  There was also a "situation" going on at school that needed an emergency meeting so some teachers went to an area restaurant right after school to discuss what we were planning to do.  Well, I left at 3:45 and the social worker called at 4.  I left the restaurant at 5:00 and when I arrived home there was a message from my social worker at 4:30 which simply said, "Cindy, I have some good news for you.  Please call me back. I've been trying to reach you for an hour." Of course, getting ahold of her wasn't as simple as she stated because she was a counselor too and was in session.......until 6:00!  Needless to say, longest hour of my life.  At 6:07 the phone rang and I was told my baby girl was 8 months old and the agency said she was beautiful, which she mentioned they normally don't comment on. She gave me stats and we got off the phone.  For a minute. I was literally on the phone until 11:30 that night calling people and answering phone calls.  I couldn't reach my mom, my sister or any brothers right away so I think my first to know was a friend and my niece who was in college at the time.  Thus, Thing 1 took over my world.

I'm pretty amazed by her. I know I'm biased, but she really is quite an exceptional kid.  Her talent in the arts is crazy, especially in drawing and creating.  Her desire to be a good person puts me to shame as she studies God's word and is very aware of those around her that are hurting or alone on the playground and she doesn't hesitate to step up and be a friend.  As a big sister, there is none better.  I see her frustration with life at times and I feel sad because I know that in her, I see me and that is certainly something I didn't want to pass on to her.  My goal for my 9.5 year old is to instill in her a sense of security the best I can, show her that loving God is the best decision one can make, and assure her that the family is the core of our being and no matter what lies ahead for her or I, we will face it together with the grace only God can supply and the undying love we've shared since she was handed to me on May 11, 2003 with boogers everywhere, the look of fear filling her beautiful eyes and screams of an internal pain leaving her mouth.  Man, I love that kid.

How do they know?

Sitting in church with two children tends to produce some "moments."  Today was one of those days.  The girls are okay going to Sunday School classes, but if there is ever a time when we can skip it, they will jump at the chance.  Today they jumped and I gave them the whole, "I will take a snack for you and you take something quiet to keep you occupied" lecture and off we went.

Within five minutes of the sermon starting, Thing 2 decides she has to go potty.  This has become a routine now, not only at church, but pretty much at any store we enter.  I don't get it, but I expect it because this isn't my first rodeo.  Luckily, I have Thing 1 who can now take her potty by herself.  Begrudgingly, of course, but she does it.  They leave and return with a little spectacle, but not a major one.  Smirks cover the faces of those around me as they think to themselves, "Oh, Cummins...you got what you deserved in these children."

Twenty minutes pass and suddenly, in a quiet moment, Thing 2 says full voice, "I've got to poop. I'm going to go potty and poopy in my pants! I have to...." and it was then I was able to reach her, put my hand over her mouth before she said the P word again full voice, and listen to the chuckles around me from those who got the pleasure of hearing the announcement from a three year old.  Now I was in a pickle.  Thing 1 did NOT want to take Thing 2 to the bathroom again because she was busy sketching.  She also has done it enough now to know that Thing 2 will pretty much do whatever it takes to get out of a quiet situation, so she said, "She's lying. She does NOT have to go poop."  As soon as Thing 2 heard this, she said, "I have to go poopy now. I go poopy in my pants."  Again, chuckles.  I pull her close, gently of course because I always assume a social worker is watching me, and I whisper in her ear, "You can wait."  Wrong answer. An even louder 3 year old states, "I HAVE to go poopy now."  At this point, I believe I've been beaten and I concede, but before I allow her to go I say, "If you don't poop, you will get a spanking because that would mean you were lying to mama."  Thing 1 takes her little sister to the bathroom with the anger in her step that only I can recognize along with this glint in her eye knowing that her little sister is probably going to get a spanking soon.

They return. Church is ending when they return and people are milling about so it's not quite as obvious that my children have once again exited the church.  Thing 1 walks quickly toward me and I know without a doubt Thing 2 did not poop.  "She did NOT poop, just like I said she wouldn't. Now she gets to get spanked."  Thing 2 looks at me with a quick smirk and then it registers that she isn't off the hook.  The big eyes and reluctant walk to the car made me realize that I must be consistent with my threats because she truly knew what was coming.

Do I think this swat on the behind will cure her from lying to me? No. Do I think she really has to poop?  Yes.  Do I think I'm scarring her for life by swatting her for not pooping when she says she will?  Perhaps.  But I have to hand it to the kid.  She knows exactly what NOT to say and exactly WHEN to say it for full attention and effect from her mommy.

Sometimes I think too much.....

Being a people pleaser sux.  Or blows,  or whatever the lingo that conveys how I get into these ruts where I am trying to please others when I write instead of writing the things I know. I am a perfectionist by nature, although you wouldn't always know it by looking at my cluttered desk/classroom and my cluttered household.  So, when I do things, like write, or take photos, or teach and yes, I put too many commas in this sentence on purpose, not that most people would notice anyway, and by most people I mean the 18 of you who follow me and by 18 I really mean maybe two who read past the first line of the blog, but I digress.....I'm going to write about my life. I thought I would use this blog as a stepping stone to the spiritual direction because since I was a wee child of 20ish, I've always figured I'd do two things in my life (besides being a mom and a teacher):  I'd author a devotional book that would be cool to read....realistic and appealing to varied ages and I'd also be a motivational speaker of sorts (without having to live in a van down by the river...oh Farley, I miss you!)   So, when starting the blog, it was mostly in rebellion against facebook and the issues I have with that place but it was also as a potential start to my future devotional.

Not gonna happen.  I don't feel spiritual.  In fact, I feel bloated right now.  And that my friends, is real life and that is going to be my future blog posts.  With Thing 1 and Thing 2 along with the furry things who cost more in medical than my kids do, combined with teaching middle school kids....I might enjoy being able to just spout off.   So, I will.  But now, I hear girls screaming, the shower starting and various thuds.  I don't even want to know.

A second chance....perhaps.

And here we are in 2012.  For some strange reason I hear Manilow blasting, "Looks like we made it...."  One thing that is definite and never changing in my world is time.  In everyone's world actually.  I remember when I was in college I read a quote somewhere that said we are all aging at exactly the same pace.  I'm sure you find it odd that a quote so simple-minded would strike one as deep as I as it did, but it totally changed my whole mind on getting older. I realized that the baby I hold is aging at the same rate as my 79 year old mother.  Nobody gets special treatment or more time.  (Barring death of course as some get more time on this earth than others, but my point is dealing with the whole 24 hours a day thing.)

I wonder what this year will bring to me in the form of different choices.  Yes, I have goals.  Not resolutions mind you because those to me have always been a joke, not to mention I consider my new year's day the first day of school starting in the fall and function from fall to fall really.  But, I digress.  Each day presents itself as a new chance....and possibly a second chance to do things differently.  I am such a creature of habit that it is very much out of my comfort zone to mess things up.....especially when they're working.  Yet, I also have this desire to be a better "me" which will require me to decide what it is that I choose to use my "second chance" to correct.

In my last post, I discussed budgeting.  Yep, it's huge.  It's my number one thing this year and although it's a pain in the rear to work on a budget and to plan where every dollar gets spent, it so works if you work it.  This is my second chance to get my life in order financially.

I also need people.  I have come to a place in my life where I feel pretty friendless (yes, this is me being extremely vulnerable---oh look, another goal).  I have my job where I have colleagues who mean the world to me and whom I spend moments with at work, but beyond that, it doesn't happen really.  I have many in my world I would consider friends, but again, to truly have them be IN my world (by IN, I mean to know my thoughts, my heart, my dreams....you know, like the best friend you had when you were in school at some point in life) just doesn't happen.  I am not sure how to fix this or even if it is fixable. I do try to invest in others and intentionally reach out to friends, so it's not that I'm a hermit in a corner, rocking back and forth muttering things that are senseless.  I'm sure I could write for days on this topic, so I'll end it with the statement that I hope 2012 brings deeper relationships to me because yeah, I need people.

Another area I want a "second chance" at is my health. Yeah, I'm saying it.  There is too much junk in my trunk.  There are so many reasons why this is the case, but ultimately, the only one who can throw out the junk is me. I'm joining Jennifer Hudson in singing, "Believe" from the top of my lungs.

I probably should include things like being a better mom, a better teacher, more spiritual and so on, but those are way too predictable, and if I'm honest, taking care of the things listed above will probably enhance the whole mom, teacher and spirituality part. Not sure where all of this post is coming from.  Sorry if I lost you two paragraphs ago, which would mean you would also miss this apology, but hey, I tried.  I just maybe was caught up in the whole 2012 being a second chance in a way and I went for it......with the maze I call my mind and my "stream of consciousness" writing technique. So. Be. It.