Before children, I never yelled. Rarely screamed except in excitement for a great shot in golf or tennis. But, I have come to place in my life where I seriously don't recognize myself. Three hours ago I was in a Bible study on the topic of mercy. I admitted there how becoming a parent has changed me and right now, not for the better. I felt better after coming out of the "I'm a Yeller" closet and being affirmed in the fact that I'm not alone. Others yell. However, little did I know that I would be home and sitting at the computer after having a "moment" with my little cherubs once again. I need to blog right now or I will leave. You think I jest, but I'm not kidding. I would walk out of this house and disappear for the entire day in a heartbeat, if I didn't think the media would catch wind of it and go crazy over a teacher abandoning her children whom she adopted simply to "get away." Those who know me, know that my luck would have that EXACT thing happen. So, I'll stay and I'll state honestly that parenting has never been so hard as it is right now. Here's one reason why. She's four.
When Thing 1 was four, all hell literally broke loose. She became possessed by some inner attitude that brought me to tears quite regularly. I was hoping that prayer and alcohol combined would make those memories leave my mind, but as Thing 2 turned four this summer, it was almost like I didn't want to walk down that dark hall because at any moment there would be something horrific jumping out to say, "I'm back!" My fears have taken shape and the shape looks like the above photo. When asked to do something, anything, even simply to put her shoes in her room, the same face and wide open screaming mouth that you see above come to Thing 2's face and her body drops to the ground with continual strains of "I can't! I can't put my shoes away! I can't! I don't want to!" I stay calm quite well for a bit. But then this happens.
Thing 1 decides to join the party. Thing 1 would normally appear to others to be docile, kind and an amazing big sister. I agree that she is that. But when Thing 2 loses it, Thing 1 can't stand it. This then causes my household to go from one screaming four year old to a house with a yelling 10 year old and this usually will bring the dog to its barking mode, too. The accusations begin about Thing 2 just faking it so she doesn't have to do anything and Thing 1 will state repeatedly that even the sound of Thing 2's voice makes her want to hit her. I thank her for her honesty, but continue to remind her we have to be patient because Thing 2 is four and when YOU were four, THIS is what you put ME through. By this time, Thing 2 has escalated to being covered in boogers from her screaming cries, Thing 1 has begun yelling and telling her to stop it and almost to the point of yelling the "s" word (shut up) at her. The dogs look at me begging me to make it all stop, so I do what I know how to do best. I just shut the door and walk away from both of their rooms, turn up the music, and go to the mountain of laundry waiting for me.
While sorting the whites from the coloreds from the neons from the glittery tops, I think to myself that this whole parenting thing has turned me into someone I don't recognize and I'm not just talking about butt size since that has changed, too. Who would have thought I would ever yell and worry about the neighbors hearing it? I hated being yelled at when I was young which was why I never truly yell at my students---that and it made me giggle because my voice sounded weird when I yelled. Yet, I'm a yeller. Who would have thought I'd want to run away from the two things I waited years for and the two creatures who have become intertwined with my own soul so much that I ache for them when they hurt and yearn for them when they are away from me? Who would have thought the girl who dreamed of nothing more than being a mommy when she was little would ever want to look at new parents and shout loudly, "Run now! Run far away from that little thing because what it will do to you will make you unrecognizable in a few years!" Sigh.
I know this would be the point in a blog where there would be some resolution to the conflict stated. As a Christian, this would be the place I would say something faith-based and profound and show my strength comes from God and that I will be fine. As a single mom, I could also say something about that being the problem and that maybe eHarmony is the next stop in the world wide web for me. But at this very moment, when my two precious gifts from God are in solitary confinement in their bedrooms and my two furry gifts from God are keeping my feet warm while I type, I have no resolution to this conflict. I have theories. I have experience. I have many who could give me lots of advice. My only rational thought is I have to figure out how to back this train up. Now.
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